大象传媒

Today鈥檚 coffee culture has an incredibly sophisticated vocabulary. Do you want a cappuccino, an espresso, a skinny latte, or maybe an iced caramel macchiato?

Eros involved a loss of control that frightened the Greeks.

The ancient Greeks were just as sophisticated in the way they talked about love, recognizing six different varieties. They would have been shocked by our crudeness in using a single word both to whisper 鈥淚 love you鈥� over a candlelit meal and to casually sign an email 鈥渓ots of love.鈥�

So what were the six loves known to the Greeks? And how can they inspire us to move beyond our current addiction to romantic love, which has 94 percent of young people hoping鈥攂ut often failing鈥攖o find a unique soul mate who can satisfy all their emotional needs?

1. Eros, or sexual passion

The first kind of love was eros, named after the Greek god of fertility, and it represented the idea of sexual passion and desire. But the Greeks didn鈥檛 always think of it as something positive, as we tend to do today. In fact, eros was viewed as a dangerous, fiery, and irrational form of love that could take hold of you and possess you鈥攁n attitude shared by many later spiritual thinkers, such as the Christian writer C. S. Lewis.

Eros involved a loss of control that frightened the Greeks. Which is odd, because losing control is precisely what many people now seek in a relationship. Don’t we all hope to fall 鈥渕adly鈥� in love?

2. Philia, or deep friendship

The second variety of love was philia or friendship, which the Greeks valued far more than the base sexuality of eros. Philia concerned the deep comradely friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield. It was about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, as well as sharing your emotions with them. (Another kind of philia, sometimes called storge, embodied the love between parents and their children.)

We can all ask ourselves how much of this comradely philia we have in our lives. It鈥檚 an important question in an age when we attempt to amass 鈥渇riends鈥� on Facebook or 鈥渇ollowers鈥� on Twitter鈥攁chievements that would have hardly impressed the Greeks.

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3. Ludus, or playful love

While philia could be a matter of great seriousness, there was a third type of love valued by the ancient Greeks, which was playful love. Following the Roman poet Ovid, scholars (such as the philosopher A. C. Grayling) commonly use the Latin word ludus to describe this form of love, which concerns the playful affection between children or casual lovers.聽We鈥檝e all had a taste of it in the flirting and teasing in the early stages of a relationship. But we also live out our ludus when we sit around in a bar bantering and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing.

Dancing with strangers may be the ultimate ludic activity, almost a playful substitute for sex itself. Social norms may frown on this kind of adult frivolity, but a little more ludus might be just what we need to spice up our love lives.

4. Agape, or love for everyone

The fourth love, and perhaps the most radical, was agape or selfless love. This was a love that you extended to all people, whether family members or distant strangers. Agape was later translated into Latin as caritas, which is the origin of our word “charity.鈥�

C.S. Lewis referred to it as 鈥済ift love,鈥� the highest form of Christian love. But it also appears in other religious traditions, such as the idea of 尘别迟迟腻 or 鈥渦niversal loving kindness鈥� in Therav膩da Buddhism.

There is growing evidence that agape is in a dangerous decline in many countries. Empathy levels in the U.S. have over the past 40 years, with the steepest fall occurring in the past decade. We urgently need to revive our capacity to care about strangers.

5. Pragma, or longstanding love

The use of the ancient Greek root pragma as a form of love was popularized by the Canadian sociologist John Allen Lee in the 1970s, who described it as a mature, realistic love that is commonly found amongst long-established couples. Pragma is about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance. There is in fact little evidence that the Greeks commonly used this precise term themselves, so it is best thought of as a modern update on the ancient Greek loves.

The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on 鈥渇alling in love鈥� and need to learn more how to 鈥渟tand in love.鈥澛�Pragma is precisely about standing in love鈥攎aking an effort to give love rather than just receive it.聽With in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation in the first 10 years, we should surely think about bringing a serious dose of pragma into our relationships.

6. Philautia, or love of the self

The Greek鈥檚 sixth variety of love was philautia or self-love. And clever Greeks such as Aristotle realized there were two types. One was an unhealthy variety associated with narcissism, where you became self-obsessed and focused on personal fame and fortune. A healthier version enhanced your wider capacity to love.

The idea was that if you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give others (as is reflected in the Buddhist-inspired concept of 鈥渟elf-compassion鈥�). Or, as Aristotle put it, 鈥淎ll friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man鈥檚 feelings for himself.鈥�

The ancient Greeks found diverse kinds of love in relationships with a wide range of people鈥攆riends, family, spouses, strangers, and even themselves. This contrasts with our typical focus on a single romantic relationship, where we hope to find all the different loves wrapped into a single person or soul mate. The message from the Greeks is to nurture the varieties of love and tap into its many sources. Don鈥檛 just seek eros, but cultivate philia by spending more time with old friends, or develop ludus by dancing the night away.

Moreover, we should abandon our obsession with perfection. Don鈥檛 expect your partner to offer you all the varieties of love, all of the time (with the danger that you may toss aside a partner who fails to live up to your desires). Recognize that a relationship may begin with plenty of eros and ludus, then evolve toward embodying more pragma or agape.

The diverse Greek system of loves can also provide consolation. By mapping out the extent to which all six loves are present in your life, you might discover you’ve got a lot more love than you had ever imagined鈥攅ven if you feel an absence of a physical lover.

It鈥檚 time we introduced the six varieties of Greek love into our everyday way of speaking and thinking. If the art of coffee deserves its own sophisticated vocabulary, then why not the art of love?

This article originally appeared in . It has been edited for 大象传媒 Magazine. For a more detailed discussion of the six loves, including a full list of scholarly references, please see Roman Krznaric鈥檚 book How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life.聽